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 —Married 12 years, age 38, New York


How to Change Your Focus
To Win Back Husband

By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.

QUESTION: My husband has announced that he wants a marriage separation after being married for 17 years. He said he’s tired of my badgering him with questions about how he's feeling about us, if he thinks our marriage will work out, if he’s having an affair, etc.

I can't seem to stop myself, even though I know that this is only making things worse. I feel so uptight. What can I do to get back my husband?

ANSWER: When you're anxious and worried, it's easy to let your fears get out of hand. Your whole world narrows down to several questions, such as "Does he still love me?" "Is he going to leave me?" and "Can I save my marriage? "

To Win Back Husband, You Must Overcome Fear

Underneath the questions and anxieties lies a huge well of fear — fear that you need the other person, fear that you won't be able to make it without him, fear that you won't ever be happy again. There can also be fear that you'll feel like a failure if you can't stop divorce.

These fears stand in your way if you want to save your marriage and regain some stability in your life..

If you keep focusing exclusively on these questions and fears, you'll be a nervous wreck and this will make it even harder to get your husband back. Why? Because you'll feel like a helpless victim whose future happiness is in someone else's hands. And that would make anyone nervous!

The best marriage advice is to make a commitment to yourself that you're going to be okay no matter what happens in your marriage. This is essential if you're going to have any sense of personal power.

And it's that sense of personal power that will give you the determination to focus on the other areas of your life so that you'll be more balanced. Your marriage relationship is just part of your life. Your life also needs to include other things such as friends, hobbies, personal interests, exercise/sports, self-growth activities, spiritual connections, or volunteer work.

Balance and Support Will Help Win Back Husband

Picture a table with four legs. One leg might become wobbly, but the other three still hold up the table. The same is true for you. If you have some other things in your life that bring you satisfaction, then you'll have more to balance and support you while you're having problems with one area, such as your unhappy marriage.

So if you've neglected your friends, make some phone calls and plan some get-togethers. Find a community agency that needs volunteers. Sign up for a night class or weekend seminar. Start lifting weights or playing racquetball. Keep busy, keep growing, and keep increasing your skills.

Then it will be easier to manage your insecurity and fears about your marriage problems because you'll have other things to think about and do. You'll be calmer, more focused, and more balanced. As a result, you'll be able to make wiser decisions about how you want to relate to your husband and what will be most helpful for your marriage. And that will give you the best chance to get back your husband.

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Copyright © Nancy Wasson.  All rights reserved.  Nancy Wasson is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get help with your marriage problems.

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