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—Married 12 years, age 38, New York
How to Change Your Focus
To Win Back Husband
By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
QUESTION: My husband has announced that he wants a marriage
separation after being married for 17 years. He said he’s tired of my badgering
him with questions about how he's feeling about us, if he thinks our marriage
will work out, if he’s having an affair, etc.
I can't seem to stop myself, even though I know that this is only making
things worse. I feel so uptight. What can I do to get
ANSWER: When you're anxious and worried, it's easy to let your fears get
out of hand. Your whole world narrows down to several questions, such as "Does
he still love me?" "Is he going to leave me?" and "Can I save my marriage? "
To Win Back Husband, You Must Overcome Fear
Underneath the questions and anxieties lies a huge well
of fear — fear
that you need the other person, fear that you won't be able to make
it without him, fear that you won't ever be happy again. There can
fear that you'll feel like a failure if you can't stop divorce.
These fears stand in your way if you want to save
your marriage and regain some stability in your life..
If you keep focusing exclusively on these questions and fears, you'll
be a nervous wreck and this will make it even harder to get
your husband back. Why? Because you'll feel like a helpless victim whose future
hands. And that
The best marriage advice is to make a commitment to yourself that you're
going to be okay no matter what happens in your marriage. This is essential
if you're going to have any sense of personal power.
And it's that sense of personal power that will give you the determination
to focus on the other areas of your life so that you'll be more balanced.
Your marriage relationship is just part of your life. Your life also needs
to include other things such as friends, hobbies, personal interests,
exercise/sports, self-growth activities, spiritual connections, or volunteer
Balance and Support Will Help Win Back Husband
Picture a table with four legs. One leg might become wobbly, but the
other three still hold up the table. The same is true for you. If you
have some other things in your life that bring you satisfaction, then
you'll have more to balance and support you while you're having problems
with one area, such as your unhappy marriage.
So if you've neglected your friends,
make some phone calls and plan some get-togethers. Find a community
agency that needs volunteers. Sign up
for a night class or weekend seminar. Start lifting weights or playing
racquetball. Keep busy, keep growing,
and keep increasing your skills.
Then it will be easier to manage your insecurity and fears about your
marriage problems because you'll have other things to think about and do. You'll
be calmer, more focused, and more balanced. As a result, you'll be able
to make wiser decisions about how you want to relate to your husband and
what will be most helpful for your marriage. And that will give you the
best chance to get
back your husband.
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