In
the weeks proceeding February 14th, numerous husbands who
are in a marriage separation
agonize over what to do on Valentine’s
Day. Should they buy a present for their wife, send flowers,
or just send a card instead? Or should they ignore the special
day and do nothing?
“It’s a difficult call to make,” says marriage
counseling coach Nancy Wasson. “Wives have varying reactions
that range from delight to rage. Some are thrilled to receive
flowers or candy while others get agitated if the spouse even
sends a card.”
Wasson continues
by saying, “What seems to enrage many
spouses is the presumption that they want a romantic gesture
from the spouse. They may be unsure about whether they want
to remain married and if they are ‘in love’ with
their partner or not.”
According to Wasson,
the wives often interpret the gifts and cards as pressure
or manipulation on the part of the husband. “They
don’t want to give the husband the impression that they
welcome the romantic gestures or that they have reciprocal
feelings. So they get stressed and react with anger instead.”
Wasson recalls a
wife whose husband sent a dozen red roses to her office on
Valentine’s Day. “She was as mad
as a hornet,” shares Wasson. “She was absolutely
furious with her mate for putting her in the position of having
to listen to her co-workers talk about what a sweet husband
she had.”
So how does a husband
who is in a marriage separation figure out what to do on
Valentine’s Day? Wasson offers the
following tips:
1. If your wife
says that she loves you like a “friend” or “brother” and
doesn’t have romantic feelings for you, don’t send
a gift or card on Valentine’s Day. Don’t do anything
to acknowledge the day because it will only make things worse.
2. If your wife
says she’s not sure if she still loves
you or not, then the door is open slightly. You might give
her something moderate and more low-key than roses, such as
a bouquet of mixed fresh flowers or tulips, or a box of candy.
If you include a card, make it more on the funny side than
ultra-romantic.
3. If you and your
wife still flirt with each other and it’s
obvious that the sexual attraction is still there, then you’re
probably safe to go “all out” by presenting her
with a dozen roses, candy, and a romantic card. You might even
consider including a gift certificate to a day spa.
4. If you’re still not sure, you can check things out
by asking your wife ahead of time if she would be offended
if you sent her a gift or card for Valentine’s Day. Say
that you want to respect her feelings, and that’s why
you’re asking. This is bound to get you some extra points
in the “good will” relationship bank.
“The key,” says Wasson, “is to put yourself
in your wife’s place. It’s important to be sensitive
to her feelings, even if you don’t understand them. That’s
an important step to take in an unhappy marriage when you’re
trying to deal with a marriage separation and stop divorce.
Respect is essential.’
Marriage counselor
Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., has been a Licensed Professional Counselor
for more than twenty years. She coaches
couples in unhappy marriages and provides immediate help through
the privacy of telephone and email consultations. She is the
author of “Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse
Says ‘I Don’t Love You Anymore!’ ” She
offers a free weekly marriage advice newsletter at www.KeepYourMarriage.com.
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