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How to Get Husband Back
And Stop Divorce

By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.

QUESTION: My husband and I are so different that I find myself getting frustrated with him nearly every day. We’ve been married eight years, and it seems that we’d agree on more things after all this time, but it feels just the opposite.

I don’t understand how he can think the way he does. He has a lot of opinions about everything and I disagree with most of them. For instance, his idea of a great Saturday evening is to stay home and rent some movies. My idea of a fun Saturday night is to eat out and then listen to some live music or go dancing.

He enjoys fishing; that bores me to tears. I want to go to Las Vegas for our summer vacation, but he wants to go camping in the Canadian Rockies. Politically, we cancel each other ’s vote at the polls.

Tips to Stop Divorce When Friction Builds

For years I’ve nagged and tried to change him. Finally last month he announced that he couldn’t deal with my controlling behavior anymore and that he wanted to try a marriage separation while we go to marriage counseling. He said that he was tired of living with a controlling wife causing marital problems.

What can I do to win my husband back and save my marriage?

ANSWER: It is challenging when two people with opposite opinions and preferences butt heads. There’s an interesting dynamic that many couples experience as time goes by. In a nutshell, this principle states that over time, the traits that originally attracted a couple can instead turn out to be what most annoys each of them.

This means that early in your relationship with your husband, you may have found some of the differences between you interesting, intriguing, and positive. They may have contributed fuel to the passion--hence, the widely quoted theory that “opposites attract.”

But as time went by, some of the very traits that may have originally attracted you now are the ones that irritate and frustrate you. Those traits are now causing marriage problems in your relationship.

Of course, you both most likely had more patience with each other in the beginning of your relationship when you were still wearing those famous “rose-colored glasses.”

Differences Provide a Path to Get Back Your Husband

The best marriage guidance to win back your husband and stop divorce could be to reframe your situation. In other words, reinterpret the differences between you and your husband so that you you think of them differently. Try seeing the differences as an opportunity to learn and grow. They expose you to different perspectives and viewpoints and make you think. They also keep you from getting too complacent and stagnant.

In addition, the irritating differences offer you the chance to practice patience, understanding, and respect as you and your husband struggle to make decisions that are fair to both of you. And there is another viewpoint to consider. Dr. Wayne W. Dyer in the book Real Magic: Creating Miracles in Everyday Life writes that it’s not necessary for you to totally understand your spouse.

He discusses relinquishing your need to understand everything about your partner. According to Dr. Dyer, “You are together not to understand each other, but to aid each other in living a life at purpose.”

He continues by stating, “You can accept that person and say to yourself, ‘I don’t think that way, but she does, and I can honor that. It is why I love her so much, not because she is like me, but because she provides me with what I am not...I love her not for what I understand but for that invisible soul that is in back of that body and all those actions.’”

How to Get Back Husband by Changing Focus

To win your husband back, you can work on changing your focus to how you and your spouse can support each other’s life goals and help each other to be all each of you can be. Try to think of the irritating habits as idiosyncrasies that make your partner the wonderful person that he is.

The best marriage guidance to winning back your husband is to focus on what's good about your difference. Try keep an appreciation for the unique differences between you and your husband and to respect his right to have different attitudes, traits, and preferences than you do. The differences that you bring to the table can enrich your children’s experiences as they learn by example how to create win-win situations when individuals disagree. And that’s a trait that will help to prepare them for the real world ahead.

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Copyright © Nancy Wasson.  All rights reserved.  Nancy Wasson is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get help with your marriage problems.

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